…. and I’m feeling good

I have no idea why, but I am feeling ridiculously good.

The all-important, context-setting background to that sentence is that almost every aspect of my life is falling apart.

My contract ended in January.

I’m not eligible for any kind of welfare benefit or state financial assistance.

There is no secondary income to fall back on.

Since January I have been using my savings, while I continued to keep ‘normal’ things going. And while I have been applying for jobs.

This would normally be fine, but in mid-January – just before I finished my last contract – I was hit with two unexpected tax bills that totalled £29k.

That hurt like hell, but needed to be settled immediately, so I postponed planned expenditure, took a deep breath, and paid the tax bills out of my savings.


I am applying for between 40-70 jobs a day.

I’m getting a few interviews here and there, but nothing like the number I would normally expect.

The jobs market is worse than flat, it is dead.

I spoke to a recruiter today who said he had 680 applications for the one vacancy he put out last week.

I got interviewed for that vacancy, but the employer decided not to appoint anyone, pulled the job off the market and is sitting on the requirement.

I’m confident that things will turn around. Yes, I am a glass is half-full kind of guy, but I am genuinely confident that the current situation will reverse. And it won’t take me long to build up my cash reserves again.

But I have never known the market to be like this.

Neither has everyone else I have spoken to.

Unfortunately, my savings are now gone.

I’m selling things to pay the bills (rent, electricity, water, broadband/phone, food).

I had to sack my cleaner, ages ago. That was sad; I was part of their income. That’s how my situation knocks on to others.

The horsebox has gone. That was sad too. I’ve owned that beautiful lorry for ten years.

The horse has gone. I’m devastated beyond words about this. It’s like the loss of a family member. I cried for days when the livery yard sold him.

The motorbike has been sold, and is waiting for the buyer to collect it.

I’m hanging on to my car for as long as I can, but ultimately even that is on the list of of items to sell.

So are items of furniture in the house.

No, in ten years of doing what I do for a living, I have never known anything like this. Oh, for sure, if I hadn’t had the two tax bills in January, my situation would still be comfortable even now.

But that’s not the case, this is dire.

Yet, despite all of the bad stuff going on  (and that list extends far beyond my work and my financial woes, goes deep in to the issues I’ve blogged about in my personal life, and a massive health scare that frightened the crap out of me), I should be feeling terrible.

But I’m not.

I feel bad for everything that is affected by the awful impacts in my life.

But in myself? Personally?

No, despite the lack of things for me to feel positive about, I feel, in myself, positive.

Glass half full?

Or going mental?

Only you can decide.

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